Having a blog is all about stealing other people's thoughts and ideas, and Jeff has collected a long list of his father's catch phrases which he titles as Bill-isms. As I read through these, many of my own parents' one-liners and threats came to mind, which I thought might take up too much of his comment section. So, I chime in here...with fewer readers. Since both my parents are equally pithy, I offer an "N" when Norman said it, and an "L" when quoted by LaVerne. And yes, those are indeed my parents' names. Comedic gold.
N: Your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower.
Naturally, this is a threat. No real explanation needed.
L: Wish that guy had a feather up this ass.
This one has shortened over the years to make little sense to the average listener. Twenty-thirty years ago, the full phrase was "If I had that (desired object), and that guy had a feather up his ass, we'd both be tickled!". I'm not saying Ma used this phrase often as she's not a terribly envious person, it's just one of those that stuck with me in my youth due to the visual it evoked.
N: We're gonna have a three-legged race to the hospital to get my foot out of your ass!
Again, pretty much to the point. This too is often shorten to just inviting you to a three-legged race.
L: A girl can run faster with her skirt up then a boy can with his pants down.
Ma's birth control advice.
N: What a stump!
What a roundhead!
What a dickhead!
Working as a builder (in a family business), Dad and the guys were always calling each other names. "That's no way to hold a hammer, you cob!" He even shouted these insults in his sleep on occasion, so they did filter into our home life. But keep in mind, he was never much for being angry. It was more like when Bugs Bunny would exclaim, "What a maroon!". As a side note, I had no idea a dickhead was the head of a dick until I reached my teens. I'm not sure Dad even put two-and-two together there.
N: Where are you going?
L: Are you writing a book?!
This transaction is said nearly every time Ma leaves her seat. It is usually followed by Dad's request for Ma to bring something back on her return; a cookie, a sandwich, a refill on his old-fashioned. It doesn't matter that she was getting up to go to the bathroom or bedroom. What matters is she's on her feet and wherefore has easier access to the kitchen then he does. Sometimes, Ma throws one out of left field but asking if he's "writing a western?"
Both: Pee for me too.
Next time you have to use the toilet, but are too lazy to get up, use this simple request.
N: All you're getting is a bucket of shit with a stick in it.
What we kids looked forward to each Christmas and birthday.
L: Can you hear this?
A LaVerne classic used seldom, but always with perfect timing! This is used in unison with giving Dad the finger, pointing downwards. Also shortened over the years as it is no longer necessary for her to turn her wrist and say "Well, let me turn it up for you."
In closing, my parent are not lazy people. A lot of these come off that way, but frankly, I probably couldn't follow Dad a day in his footsteps. Actually, that's another phrase of his! But I'm sure it's true. Dad's been a builder all his life, and Ma has worked as an independent contractor, painting and staining many of the apartment buildings he's hung the drywall and door frames in. They are also avid hunters, fishermen, and up until about 6-8 years ago, snowmobilers.
I must also add that these gems were always said in good humor! If a voice was raised in our house is was only because Dad had the tv so damn loud you had to shout over it. When my husband joined the family, he would literally sit in a corner waiting for a skillet to go flying by his head. He thought that any minute now there's going to be a stabbing and he should dial 9-1 and have his finger ready to dial that last 1. Being raised by Ward and June Cleaver, it took him a few years to get that these are the jokes, folks.
Now he's forced to hear this same type of shit coming from my mouth. God bless him.
27 January 2008
22 January 2008
My friend, Keife, and I were exploring a site regarding a story he had heard on npr a few days prior. (Check it out for yourself!) I've never seen frost flowers before! Very cool! Yes, I said cool. All this lead to my wondering how close I could get to a snowflake myself without having a microscope setup like this dude has. The answer is, not very close. I'm gonna try again though for an individual flake next time it snows, as it's hard to pick out just one once they've landed. duh.
20 January 2008
16 January 2008
I'll be adding more photos from the weekend over the next few days. I would have to say though, that the ones of her are my favorite. Not that it's downhill from here or anything! There's more skin to come...
14 January 2008
Minneapolis Road Trip Summary
FRI—Mile after mile of I-94 in northwest Wisconsin had one photogenic image after another, with the trees full of fresh snow! Not that I got many going 65 mph. Stopped in Osseo at the infamous Norske Nook for supper and their world-renowned pie selection! I opted for the pumpkin cream cheese. Arrived in Minneapolis with little time to spare as we kept getting off the interstate to ask for directions. None of us were at the comfort level to say, yes, this is the correct exit! Fortunately, Minnesotans are known for the politeness, so no one sent us on a wild goose chase. We parked close to the Ritz theatre about twenty minutes before the start of the show—The Best of the Midwest Burlesk, currently playing at Lili's Burlesque Revue. We had planned to hit the hotel to change first, but we didn’t feel or look out of place in jeans as many others attending had the casual Friday thing going as well. The show was a “hoot”! Loved the slight midwest inflections in our hostess’ voice. Lots of singing, dancing, t and a! If you find yourself in Minneapolis, go! We hit the after party at the bar next door. Angela talked to several troupe members as she knows many from when they came to Madison to join her in a Cherrypop show (Madison’s burlesque group)! Got to our hotel about midnight. Bed.
SAT—We have good friends who live in town, so the plan for today was to meet them at the Walker to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit. Unfortunately, their little guy was under the weather, so his Papa, Ed, joined us on his own. Our arrival was timed perfectly, as good Samaritans had extra passes and handed them to us when we walked in the door! No line! Woo hoo! The line to Frida was still short too. We waited 5 minutes, tops. The exhibit itself was a bit crowded, but not so deep with people you had to stand anywhere for long before you had a clear view. The Walker kept a head count of people going in and out of the exhibit, so there were never more then maybe 300 people in there at a time. I’m always in awe of being that close to an original piece where you can see each brush stroke. We covered a few other parts to the museum, and caught a performance dance troupe in passing. As we were leaving the gift shop, one of the troupe members shouted out “free hugs!”, so Ed and I got our fill. We considered shouting “free sex!” to see if we’d get the same turn out, but we’d probably need some sort of disclaimer as to only allow hotties. The line to get into the Frida show was looooooong at this point. Could our luck continue? The afternoon involved Ed chauffeuring us all around town. Midtown Global Market for lunch, and a variety of shops including hip clothing, used clothing, comic books, sex toys and a tattoo parlor. We couldn’t decide on how to get a four part tattoo that if we all lined up somehow, would feature one impressive masterpiece, so we left. He then dropped us off at our hotel to get our car, so we could follow him home and greet the family! Amy was prepared with fresh cookies, and little E with ball in hand ready to play catch with anyone willing to take him up on his offer. He’ll be three in just two weeks, and I must say, I’ll never known a toddler who can throw a ball so dead on! The Twins will obviously sign him up when he can sleep through the night without diapers. Glenn mentioned he threw better then Luke. I’ll just let Luke respond to that one.
We left town about 6pm with five hours of travel ahead of us. It was the perfect weekend until we hit the Tomah area. Snow had been coming down the past half hour or so, and now a few cars were in the ditch. Someone slowed down in front of us, Glenn touched the breaks, and boom, black ice. We were now a member of the Ditch Club. Angela’s car had 4-wheel drive but that didn’t help us any. Called AAA. “Should take about an hour.” Ok, probably more cars in the ditch then there are tow trucks in the area, so no problem. After about forty-five minutes a tow truck comes by asking if we need help. “Nope, we’ve got someone on the way.” About ninety minutes in, the tow truck calls with an e.t.a. Sounds good. Cops stop. “Everyone ok?” “Yup, hanging in there.” Two hours in. Return a phone call to the the tow truck. “Where are you?” “A car overturned just a mile back from where you are. We can see you, so sit tight, we’ll be there in a minute.” Yes, he said a minute! Two and a half hours in. Call back to AAA. “Where are these *fucking fuckers?!!” *Language exaggerated for dramatic effect. “We’ll see what we can do!” Minutes later, cops return. They just left the overturned car. Apparently no one was hurt so we mentioned that that was suppose to be our tow, and the fact that because that accident was a little more involved meant more money for the wrecker pulling them out. The cops were pretty calming and understanding, and offered to try pushing us out. One of them got behind the wheel, and obviously has had plenty of northwoods driving experience because after rocking back and forth some, and with the other cop pushing, had us back on the road and ready to roll! No small feat, mind you!! Just then the wrecker pulls up. “You guys good now?” Angela responds, “No thanks to **Asshole Towing Service!” **Name exaggerated for dramatic effect. So, after leaving Angela in Madison, we arrived home about 1:30am. Pugs were quite happy to see us, so it was another hour before we finally got to bed.
The moral to the story is, avoid road trips to Minneapolis in mid winter.
10 January 2008
07 January 2008
This was taken on Thanksgiving. (I'm a little behind in my postings obviously.) Looks like me, doesn't it? Right down to the telltale smirk. The fact that I'm holding a bowling ball may have thrown you. The pants they put you in in the baseball game aren't quite attractive enough to show you. Pa-lease.
This game was a little one-on-one with Jesus Christ. He's talks a big game, but I rubbed his nose in it. Actually, tlc was playing my character while I was taking photos here, but I did beat Andy Gibb myself prior to this game. He's the one standing in the background next to Jesus. If you look closely, you'll notice he's crying. Hence my smirk.
03 January 2008
01 January 2008
I really should be in bed already after ringing in the new year last night with Cupcake Wahine and her hubby! They threw a lovely party, and are the ultimate host and hostess, never letting a glass go empty or a hors d'oeuvre go cold! I didn't take my camera along, and I regret it because cupcake looked uber cute liquored up while wearing old fashioned welding glasses...
I guess you had to be there.
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little known facts
- bon bon
- fly over country, United States
- this blog is my "live" photo album of sorts. occasionally, i'll throw in some art i've done or some work of my husband's as he's an artist as well. we have a nice yard in a quiet neighborhood with two pugs and a cat, all black. which most of my photos will attest too. ;) i'd love to hear from you, but happy for you to just browse. hope you find something to make you smile. b.